


How Fondly Loves (The Homesick Heart)- Shiro

by painted_lady12



Series: How Fondly Loves (The Homesick Heart) [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreamsharing, Friendship/Love, Gay Shiro (Voltron), Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Pidge | Katie Holt, M/M, Nightmares, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pride, Shiro (Voltron)-centric, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), background klance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 14:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16662929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/painted_lady12/pseuds/painted_lady12
Summary: Excerpt:“When you say ‘all kinds of messed up’, what do you mean?”Lance's blue eyes faded suddenly and darkened.  “I had to slap him three times before he snapped out of it, Pidge.  I’m… worried.  I’m worried that this whole clone body consciousness swapping phantom limb nonsense is getting to him.”“I guess that makes sense,” Pidge responded thoughtfully, tapping their chin and letting themselves run through what might be causing the problem.  “If you want, I can take him for a few days.”





	How Fondly Loves (The Homesick Heart)- Shiro

**Author's Note:**

> The paladins are on their way home after the battle with Lotor, and for some of them it's bringing up bad memories and old wounds.
> 
> Each paladin will tell a chapter about another, and over the course of the five chapters the five humans returning to Earth will start to come to terms with what returning to Earth means to them.
> 
> This chapter is Shiro's, as told by Pidge
> 
> MUST SUBSCRIBE TO SERIES TO GET ALL FIVE THEY ARE GOING TO BE TAGGED AND RATED INDIVIDUALLY
> 
> Title from a poem by John Imlah

Pidge was awoken in the morning by the sound of a video call from their tablet.  The high pitched chime helped to ease them out of the odd dream they’d been having involving a fox and a scarf. They rolled over and accepted it, wiping sleep out of their eyes.

 

It was Lance, who looked pale and altogether frightened.  Pidge quickly snapped out of their daze. “Lance? What’s going on?”

 

The red paladin swallowed.  “I… I gave Shiro my pills. I found him asleep in red’s cockpit and he was all kinds of messed up.  I told him that he can ask you if he has any questions. Is that alright?”

 

Pidge sighed, relieved that it wasn’t anything that was a more immediate threat.  “Okay, yeah. When you say ‘all kinds of messed up’, what do you mean?”

 

The blue eyes faded suddenly and darkened.  “I had to slap him three times before he snapped out of it, Pidge.  I’m… worried. I’m worried that this whole clone body consciousness swapping phantom limb nonsense is getting to him.”

 

“I guess that makes sense,” Pidge responded thoughtfully, tapping their chin and letting themselves run through what might be causing the problem.  “If you want, I can take him for a few days.”

 

Relief flooded Lance’s face.  “Let me know if you need any help, though.  He’s just too stubborn to talk to me, but I feel like you’re one of the few people that he lets boss him around.”

 

“I don’t boss him around!” Pidge grumbled, but quickly backtracked to: “...much.”

 

“My point exactly,” Lance said calmly, with a slight smile.  “I think that it’ll be good for him.”

  
  


***

  
  


Cosmo teleported Shiro over an hour later.  The paladins had been rotating partners for a while now, and this was not Shiro’s first time in green since the beginning of the journey, so Pidge didn’t even have to give him the tour or the orientation.  Shiro knew not to go into Pidge’s invention room, and knew not to adjust the lion’s controls for Shiro’s height no matter how uncomfortable he got. The white-haired man quickly pulled out the extra sleeping cot from the wall and dropped his backpack onto it, sitting down and finally looking at Pidge.

 

Now that they were pay attention, they could see what Lance saw.  Shiro looked rough. He appeared battered and broken, and Pidge felt themselves wanting to reach out a supportive hand.

 

Shiro didn’t like being touched, though.  Pidge had taken notes on all of the other paladins, of course.  Shiro liked to give out physical attention but never receive it himself.  Pidge suspected that it had something to do with his imprisonment, but had never tested the hypothesis.

 

When Shiro wasn’t himself, he preferred to be given direct tasks and questions that could keep his mind occupied.

 

Pidge perked up, suddenly.  

 

They knew exactly how to distract Shiro.

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask…”

 

The older man looked up hopefully, and Pidge knew that they had picked the right thing.  

 

“...what was Pride like?  Where did you usually celebrate?  I, um, hadn’t figured out my stuff until after we left earth and I feel like… well, I want to know more, now.”

 

A slow but warm smile found its way onto Shiro’s face.  “Let’s see…” his voice trailed off and Pidge could see his expression drift into memories, “I came out when I was seventeen and in the Garrison.  There wasn’t a celebration at the base, but there was a city only two hours away that had their Pride celebration the second weekend of June. The first year Adam took me and one of our lesbian classmates.”

 

Pidge settled in, crossing their legs and leaning against the back of the chair they had been lounging in, cozying up for the story.  

 

“It was so insane.  I’ve never felt more safe than walking down the streets with a rainbow shirt, short shorts, and fairy wings with the other queer folk. A group that was on a unicorn float was walking around showering everyone in glitter.  I saw so many older couples that were so happy and free and comfortable in who they were. I was still figuring myself out but they were… settled. They knew, they had known for a while, and that was so reassuring.”

 

Pidge could picture a younger Shiro wandering the rainbow-clad streets with glitter and two other queers, just taking it all in.

 

“What kind of events did they have?” Pidge prodded when they sensed that the story had started to peter out.

 

Shiro started dealing himself cards for what looked like a game of Solitaire, his smile turning private.  “They had a drag show, which was always so much fun. There were always themed categories and everyone would get really into it.  There was the parade, too, where everyone would just wander down the streets decked out in their gear and the floats were giant and strange and rainbow and beautiful.  There was always an after party, too, which I didn’t start going to until I was twenty-one, of course,” Shiro winked at Pidge who rolled their eyes, “those were always a blast.  I kissed my first guy at one of those parties.”

 

Pidge gasped mockingly.  “Shiro, you didn’t kiss anyone until you were twenty-one?!”

 

Shooting him a withering glance, Shiro got back to his story.  “One of my favorite events was on Sunday nights at this one coffee shop there would be spoken word poetry.  I always made sure to go to that, and I went five years in a row. I got to watch a lot of the same poets grow into their skin and change and learn new things about themselves.  I tried to write a poem one year, and everyone got me on the stage and I was so embarrassed. I could command my entire squadron but put me on a stage to talk about my feelings and I clammed up so fast.”

 

Pidge didn’t doubt that at all.  

 

“Then the next year I was on a mission during June, and after that… well, it became pretty difficult to go.”

  
They lapsed into comfortable silence for a minute.  

 

“They always had a few parties that would give out colored wristbands that would say what you identified as and what gender you were looking for.  They had these big purple stars if you were genderfluid. One day we’ll get you that purple star, Pidge.”

 

Swallowing at the wave of emotion flowing through them, Pidge muttered, “thanks, Shiro.  You’re alright sometimes.”

 

“Yeah, whatever you say,” he walked by and ruffled their hair teasingly, and Pidge let themselves think about purple stars and fairy wings…

  
  


***

  
  


Later that night, Pidge was on first watch.  Shiro, however, was still up reading.

 

“Are you going to sleep?  You can turn off the light, I’m going to be reading on my tablet,” Pidge smiled and held up the tablet to show that they weren’t lying.

 

Shiro smiled.  “That’s okay, I’m not tired yet.”

 

“Alright,” Pidge chuckled nervously.

 

At the end of their shift, Shiro was still up, reading.

 

Pidge looked over and opened their mouth, but then subsequently closed it.

 

They turned off the overhead light and went to sleep.

  
  


***

  
  


When Pidge woke up the next morning, Shiro was busy vacuuming storage areas of the green lion.  Pidge found him and grumpily yelled, “why are you up?!”

 

Blinking, Shiro waved.  “I just wanted to make sure we’re keeping the lions in tip-top shape!”

 

“You and Lance and your crazy cleaning habits…” they left the storage area for their own sanity without properly responding.

  
  


***

  
  


It happened another two nights after that.  By the fourth night, Pidge was stationed to be on watch the second half, and when they got up they quickly sat themselves down next to Shiro, eyes narrowed in concern.

 

Shiro shifted uncomfortably.  “What, Pidge?”

 

“Were you planning on sleeping, like, ever?” Pidge was still groggy, but wanted to make sure that their point still got across.

 

The old leader’s eyes narrowed and then he turned away so that he wasn’t making eye contact.  “Don’t worry about it, Pidge.”

 

“When was the last time you slept?  Was it when Lance had to slap you awake?”

 

Now his eyes closed, and Pidge could see the bags under his eyes, and the exhaustion tightening up every muscle in his body.

 

“Shiro…”

 

“Alright, fine.  You aren’t stupid, I knew that you’d figure it out,” Shiro’s tone was clipped, his gaze distant as he shook his head to keep from nodding off.  “I have only slept a few times since… well, since I woke up from the void. It’s just that every time I sleep I’m back in the void, and I’m not sure if I actually died again or if I am just dreaming, and it feels… it feels so lonely and empty there, Pidge.  Being there… I had no emotion. There was no happy or sad or scared, just… empty. Forever.”

 

The word “forever” sent chills over Pidge’s skin.  They muttered, “You can’t avoid sleep forever. I know that Lance gave you the pills.”

 

Swallowing, Shiro pulled out two pill bottles.  Pidge picked both of them up and ran their tablet over the labels.  One was the expected sedative that Pidge had found for Lance, and then… Pidge went pale when they read the other bottle’s label.

 

“You’ve been taking stimulants?!”

 

Swallowing, Shiro winced at the yelling.  Clearly he had a headache from sleep deprivation.  “I can’t sleep, Pidge. I just can’t.”

 

“You’ll die,” Pidge spit out, “You’ll hallucinate, and your organs will shut down, and you will die.  A person can’t survive without sleep.”

 

Pidge pocketed the stimulants and handed him the sedatives.  “When did you last take the stimulant pills?”

 

Shiro counted back quickly.  “Five hours ago?”

 

“I guess you can take one of the sedatives now, then, but I’m locking up the medication storage room.  You… it’s going to be hell, but you need to get through this. Sleep is necessary.”

 

Then Pidge crawled out of Shiro’s bed and back into their own, settling in with a translated Altean manual on how to build your own at-home chore helper.

 

Within two hours, Shiro was fast asleep, and Pidge was halfway through the instructions.

 

Within three hours, Pidge was putting the wheels into this machine and Shiro started screaming.

 

Pidge wished above all else that they were overexagerrating about the way that Shiro screamed.  Pidge would love to say that they were just reacting to the pain of a friend, but it was more than pain.  Shiro was in agony. His hand and arm flailed, which Pidge knew was not supposed to happen due to REM sleep causing paralysis.  Something strange was happening. 

 

Maybe Shiro was right about sleep being dangerous.

 

How did Lance wake him up last time?  Slapping him in the face?

 

Pidge tried three times before they remembered that Shiro had taken the sedative.  It’ll be like waking the dead.

 

Luckily, the paladins had recently brought Shiro back to life, so they were pretty competant in the matter, all things considered.  Pidge was in tentatively higher spirits as she rolled up some schematics before swatting Shiro with them repeatedly.

 

It took quite a few rolls and grunts, but eventually Shiro’s eyes flung open, unseeing and terrified.  Pidge backed up as he sat up in his bed, hand shaking as he fumbled with his sheets and getting his balance with only the one arm.

 

Shiro looked over at Pidge, bloodshot eyes full of horror.  “Am I… are we still in green?”

 

“Yeah,” Pidge got a little closer again now that it appeared that Shiro had come back to himself.  “We never left.”

 

Groaning, Shiro fell back onto his bed, arm slung over his eyes in a typical angsty teenage boy move.  “I was back there again.”

 

“I figured as much,” Pidge said unhelpfully, heading back over to finish working on their robot.  “Want to talk about it?”

 

“It always just feels so real,” Shiro’s voice was shaking.

 

It was then that Pidge dropped her screwdriver because the green lion was reaching out to her through their bond.  It was always present in the background, but with how boring things had been during this trip green hadn’t had much useful input.

 

Now, though, green was telling Pidge something that was coming across more as ideas and pictures.

 

“Shiro, I need you to bear with me,” Pidge said softly as they tried to sort through the message, “but I think that we need to mind meld.”

  
  


***

  
  


An hour later and the two of them were reclined and restrained in chairs in green.  Coran was busy checking over their holds, and quickly connected both humans with green wiring to the lion itself.

 

“How does this work, Pidge?” Coran asked thoughtfully, which made Shiro’s eyes almost pop out of his skull.

 

“You don’t know…?!  Coran why did you offer to help if you don’t know?”

 

Pidge shot Shiro an agitated look.  “We need someone to make sure the bond is maintained.  If we both had a strong enough emotional connection to the lion it could just transmit the dreams that way, but because you aren’t close with green we have to connect mechanically.  It’s kind of like what happens when we’re able to all hear each other’s thoughts while in Voltron in real life, but instead it’s just two of us in your dreams.”

 

Shiro was very clearly skeptical.  His eyes darted from the green wire to Coran who was busy poking at Pidge’s mostly complete robot and back to Pidge, who was trying not to look like they were staring at him.

 

“Coran, give the sedatives.”

 

Coran administered the sedatives and fed them each two gulps of water, and Shiro and Pidge caught each others’ eyes as the drugs started to take affect.

 

“I’m going to keep you calm,” Pidge muttered, voice starting to slur.  “I’ll… green said that I can help so I’ll…”

 

Then, without warning they were back at the Garrison.

 

A younger Shiro was sitting on a bed, staring across from him at a beautiful girl, who was smiling at him knowingly.  The colors were all black and white, like an old movie playing out in front of Pidge.

 

“So?”

 

Little Shiro jumped.  “So what?”

 

The girl licked her lips teasingly, fingers running through her short and dark hair.  “Are you going to kiss me now?”

 

“Oh,” Shiro looked positively nauseous now, “I guess that’s what happens after a date, right?”

 

Pidge looked around themselves, and to their right Shiro with full white hair was staring at the scene.  “This isn’t where I usually go. It’s almost like…”

 

Younger Shiro shifted and kissed the girl gently, but she pulled him in for a deeper kiss and he yelped and tumbled off the bed.  “Got to go!”

 

“Smooth,” Pidge commented on the scene as it started to morph and change around them.  They were suddenly watching Shiro and Adam and a girl named Jessie drive in their super obnoxious outfits, all decked out for Pride.  Shiro was busy looking out the window. Adam was busy looking at Shiro look out the window.

 

The scene shifted again.  Adam’s soft brown eyes widened as Shiro surged forward at a club and kissed someone.  Their face was indistinct, and it didn’t matter. Shiro’s focus in the memory was on Adam’s face, the hard line of his lips and the set in his jaw and the way the lights dancing around him made him appear to very, very still.

 

Unlike yelping and tumbling off a bed, this kiss Shiro was devouring.  The stranger at the party didn’t seem too upset with that.

 

The memory shifted again.  Some time had passed, because Shiro has a new, more cropped haircut here.  Pidge felt the older Shiro’s fingers reach out and take their hand, squeezing it tightly.

 

Adam and young Shiro were standing five feet apart in a courtyard in the dark.  

 

“I haven’t seen you in weeks,” Shiro muttered darkly, his younger self’s fists were flexing in the light glowing off of the streetlights above.

 

The same hard set in his jaw and hard line in his mouth became more pronounced.  “You’ve been busy with what’s-his-face. The one you met at Pride.”

 

That was when a fit of laughter came out of Shiro.  “Do you… do you really not know? I don’t even remember that guy’s name.  I kissed him because I needed…” Shiro trailed off, then looked up with shining eyes and a determined glare.  “I needed to know if you felt the way I do.”

 

Those words drained the color from Adam’s face.  “You…” anger was pouring out of every crevice. “You jackass!”

 

Adam looked about ready to punch Shiro’s lights out.  Pidge figured that that was why the older Shiro had needed a hand to hold, but then suddenly and unstoppably instead of going in for a punch Adam grabbed Shiro by his collar and pushed him up against the wall.  Their faces were a breath’s width apart for a moment until Shiro’s lips split into a smile, and then they were kissing, and Pidge felt themselves both uncomfortable and also feeling victorious.

 

Suddenly the world popped into color.  Shiro’s hands were tangling in Adam’s brown hair, and their Garrison uniform filled out in orange and white.  The yellow streetlight cast them in shadows and smiles. 

 

The memory faded again.

 

It was Adam.  Again, always Adam.  This time was different, though.  This time the color was seeping out of the world like water splashed over a painting.  This time Adam was sobbing. “You… you can’t just go. This mission will take you for months and I can’t come with you.  I can’t be without you that long, it’s… I’ll never make it.”

 

The words coming out of Adam’s mouth a terrifying and the younger Shiro looks terrified, but the older Shiro looks wistful. 

 

“You’re going to be fine,” younger Shiro said confidently with his fingers crossed behind his back, going in to hug him tightly.  “I love you, Adam.”

 

The sobs got more intense as Adam whispered, “I love you to the stars and back, Takashi.”

 

The memory faded again, and there were just images for a little while of Adam and Shiro writing electronic mail back and forth, of Adam sending pictures of him at Pride, of Shiro earning higher ranks and finishing his mission.

 

The memory faded into the two of them walking hand-in-hand, and they were back at the spot where they confronted each other, where Adam had kissed Shiro.

 

Except, this time Adam just touched the wall with a nostalgic smile.

 

“Do you remember our first kiss here?” Adam asked quietly, and Shiro pulled him in for another one, pressing him back against the concrete before Adam gently pressed him back, going down on one knee.

 

Older Shiro had tears streaming down his face, and without any warning younger Shiro had tears streaming down his face, too.

 

“Takashi Shirogane, will you marry me?”

 

The “yes” was sobbed out with a wet laugh accompanying it, and they went in for a sloppy teeth-clacking kiss that made Pidge wince a little bit but also made their heart melt.

 

Then… the next image wasn’t a memory.

 

The next image was of Shiro fixing a roof on a tiny house.  Adam came out of the house with two glasses of lemonade. Two shrieking children followed him, asking for their own lemonade.

 

Shiro climbed down the ladder, with two arms and dark brown hair, and lifted the two kids up in his arms, pretending to kidnap them.

 

Adam watched in bemusement as Shiro flew the kids around the yard, the ice cubes shifting and the condensation on the glasses dripping.

 

“This is what I wanted,” Shiro’s voice was shaky, his one arm running through his white hair.  “I’ve… never had a dream like this.”

 

Then they woke up.

  
  


***

  
  


Shiro and Pidge developed a system.

 

Before bed Shiro would tell Pidge a story from when he was younger, or a story of something good that had happened to him or could have happened to him.  When he went to sleep, then, instead of being trapped in the void of Voltron, instead he was cruising down memory lane.

 

Finally he got some sleep.

 

Pidge slept soundly as well.

  
  


***

  
  


When they rotated company, Pidge sat down with Hunk.

 

“This is how we make sure that Shiro doesn’t have any bad dreams, because otherwise he’ll just pretend to be fine and will stay up for days on end.”

 

Hunk laughed nervously until he saw that Pidge wasn’t kidding.  “Okay, run all of that by me again.”

 

When Pidge went to leave, Hunk grabbed their arm off of impulse.  Pidge looked up in confusion. “Hunk? Are you alright?”

 

“Huh?  Oh, yeah, I just worry.  You’ll send Shiro over soon, right?”

 

Nodding, they carefully extricated themselves from Hunk’s grasp and disappeared into the red lion, confused and a little bit nauseous from how nervous they were to pass Shiro off.  The only other person who understood was Lance.

 

“Lance?  Hey, it’s me, I just…” when Pidge walked into Lance’s bedroom, their jaw dropped.

 

Lance had Keith pinned down to the bed, kissing him senseless.  Pidge loudly coughed and the red paladin hopped off guiltily, a blush rising in his cheeks.

 

“I blame Keith!  He was being too kissable!” Lance’s frantic explanation was completely useless.  

 

Pidge were unamused.  “I… Lance, I wanted to ask you for advice.  I don’t want to interrupt your… are you guys like an item, now?”

 

Keith sat up now, making a noise.  “We haven’t… that was the first time!”

 

Lance looked over at the other boy, narrowing his eyes.  “Now you sound ashamed of me!”

 

Pidge started backing away.  “Yeah, I’m going to call Cosmo back.”

 

Pidge left as the two of them settled into a heated argument that felt both surprisingly familiar but also new and intriguing.

 

Pidge didn’t have time for this shit tonight.  Instead, they settled into their room with Kaltenecker and the mice settling into their own section of the lion.  Pidge turned on their new robot, who vacuumed silently while they were all asleep.

 

Somewhere across their little line of ships, Hunk was being woken up from a nightmare himself to Lance screaming over the communicator about Keith kissing him and being an asshole about it.

 

Hunk was shaking, sweat pooling on his forehead as he ran his hand through his hair and listened to Lance rant with the patience of the saint.  Meanwhile, he stayed steady, even while the rest of him was starting to fall apart.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Next time: Hunk's, as told by Shiro
> 
> If you like this, check out my other fics [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/painted_lady12/works)


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